No More Clowning Around
by Carcaohtar
Summary: Sequel to Cure for the Hiccups. Before Mugen, Jin, and Fuu can pass the next checkpoint on their way to Nagasaki, Mugen must face some old fears, including clowns and Jin's herbal tea.
1. Mugen's Greatest Fear

NO MORE CLOWNING AROUND

companion to

A CURE FOR THE HICCUPS

Author's Note: Huzzah, the not-so-long-awaited sequel has arrived! Although you don't need to read "Cure for the Hiccups" first, I highly recommend it, since most of the jokes have been carried over. Review, review, review, and I shall send youan e-pie. Actually, I won't, but it can't hurt to try, can it? XD

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

Fuu crossed her arms and stood, tapping her foot impatiently, while Mugen shimmied up a tree on the side of the road.

"See anything yet?" she called up.

"NO!" yelled Mugen. Fuu and Jin cringed. He was still only a few branches up and could have probably just spoken in a normal voice, but Mugen was the kind of guy who liked to shout.

"How about now?" she asked as Mugen disappeared into the dense foliage.

"I SEE TWO REALLY NASTY WOMEN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO FIGURE… NO, WAIT!" shouted Mugen. "IT'S JUST YOU AND JIN!"

"Shall I cut down the tree?" asked Jin, reaching for his katana.

"Wait until he climbs higher," suggested Fuu.

"WAIT! I SEE IT!"

"Really?" cried Fuu, temporarily forgetting that Mugen was a jerk.

"YEAH! THERE'S THE CHECK-POINT! IT'S JUST A LITTLE SPECK IN THE DISTANCE…"

There was a crack like a gunshot and Mugen came plummeting down through the trees. Jin tackled Fuu out of the way, but he needn't have bothered; Mugen landed upside-down with a vine wrapped around one foot, dangling several feet above them. A shower of leaves and small twigs followed him, along with his sword, which landed with a muffled _thump_.

"We're definitely on the right road," said Mugen, crossing his arms and trying to maintain his composure upside-down.

"So, what was that about seeing two shapeless women?" asked Fuu.

"Uh, nothing. Nothing at all. Bit of help, here?"

"Leave him, or cut him down?" mused Jin. "Both are tempting…"

"Hey, come on, buddy!" begged Mugen. "I was just kidding. You're both very beautiful ladies…"

"Leave him," said Fuu and Jin in unison.

"WAIT!" cried Mugen, thrashing around in the air. "Can you at least hand me my sword? PLEASE? Guys…?"

* * *

"So, when are we going back for him?" muttered Fuu as she and Jin walked away.

"Give him ten minutes," drawled Jin. "Considering how short his attention span is, that will be plenty to drive him to insanity."

"I sort of hoped he would be a _little_ nicer to me," grumbled Fuu. "After I cured his hiccups and all."

The previous day, Mugen had come down with a severe case of hiccups, which he claimed were incurable. It had taken them over twenty-four hours to finally rid him of the hiccups, and they had fallen behind on their "schedule," much to Fuu's dismay. Even though Fuu was only fifteen, and wore a floral pink kimono, she meant business. The two men she'd dragged along with her—Jin and Mugen—were less enthusiastic about finding the Sunflower Samurai. ("Smells of sunflowers? Sounds like a queer to me," Mugen had said. "I'm allergic to sunflowers," added Jin. Fuu had told Mugen to be less homophobic, and told Jin to take Flonase. Jin had pointed out Flonase didn't exist in feudal Japan, to which Fuu had stomped on his foot.)

But despite the whines of the rogue and ronin, Fuu had gotten them back on the road, and they were due to come to the next check-point that very day.

"We're making great time!" she'd tried to tell them. "And I heard there's a festival there, so there'll be plenty of free food—"

"And women," whispered Mugen loudly.

"—and drinks—"

"And women."

"—and things to see—"

"And women."

"—and people to talk to—"

"And women."

"And it'll be a great opportunity to ditch you two!" exclaimed Jin loudly. Then he muttered under his breath, "Sounds great."

"Er, Jin? You said the quiet part loud, and the loud part quiet," said Mugen.

"Oops."

Knowing that Jin and Mugen were getting restless made Fuu want to travel even faster. But she supposed she could take a ten-minute break, if it taught Mugen a lesson in manners.

She and Jin waited down the road, out of the sight and the hearing of Mugen.

"So, how big is this little festival going to be, anyway?" asked Jin moodily.

"Huge!" said Fuu happily. "There'll be floats and acrobats and clowns… and I bet you and Mugen can earn some money with your swords and we can get a real place to sleep! Just imagine, _real_ food in our stomachs! No more grass!"

"It's not so bad," said Jin through a mouthful of leaves.

"Well," added Fuu. "It's been a few minutes. We should probably go cut Mugen down."

With a grudging scowl, Jin pushed off the tree he'd been leaning against, and by Fuu's side, the two began walking back down the road to find Mugen.

He was, as they suspected, still tangled and dangling from the tree.

"Go away!" he snapped when he saw them. His words were muffled because he was biting his wrist. "I'll get out of here myself!"

"Why are you chewing on your wrist?" asked Fuu curiously.

"I'm gonna bite off my hand to escape!" said Mugen proudly. "Just like animals in the wild do. It'll hurt, but I'll do it! I'm from Ryuuku—I can do anything I need to, to survive!"

"Has it occurred to you that you're dangling by your legs, and it would be easier to release yourself by chewing off a foot?" asked Jin cynically.

"Well, yeah," said Mugen, turning his neck to maintain eye contact with Jin. (He was slowly twisting on his vine.) "But how would I walk away if I was missing my feet?"

Jin sighed. "I'll get you down," he said grudgingly. He jumped up and grabbed a low-lying branch, heaving himself up. "Ready?" he asked.

"Sure, I'm ready," said Mugen nonchalantly.

"On the count of three. One… two…" Jin's sword flashed and cut through the vine. Mugen dropped to the ground, hit a branch on the way, and landed flat on his stomach, leaves and nuts falling on top of him.

Fuu laughed herself senseless, and Jin leaned back on his branch with a smirk of self-satisfaction.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO IT ON TWO?" yelled Mugen angrily.

"Oh, just for fun," hummed Jin, hopping out of the tree. "Shall we continue, then?"

Mugen climbed to his feet, swearing quietly under his breath, and picked up his sword. "Yeah," he said, sheathing it. "Let's just hurry up and get to the festival so we can get some grub. I'm starving…"

"Gravity makes you hungry, huh?" asked Fuu, still laughing at Mugen's fall.

"Aw, shut up," mumbled Mugen, running a hand through his spiky hair to get the twigs out of it. "You'll wish you never laughed at me once I dump you at that festival!"

* * *

As they approached the check-point they began to hear music and laughter.

"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" said Mugen, already starting to run off to cause trouble. Fuu grabbed the back of his coat just in time.

"Oh, no you don't! We're all staying together! Got it? _Jin_?"

"Yes, Fuu," the two grumbled.

"We'll look around, but I don't want to get into any crazy situations like we usually do! Got it? I don't want either of you challenging anyone to a fight, or… I don't know… dressing up as women to sneak into brothels…"

"I only did that once!" cried Jin.

"…or getting me kidnapped…"

Jin and Mugen both protested vehemently that, if Fuu got kidnapped, it was her own fault.

"Geez, you set fire to a field of pot twenty feet high _one time_ and suddenly no one trusts you…" mumbled Mugen.

"Women are so unfair," agreed Jin.

Fuu wedged herself between the two of them and grabbed their sleeves, Mugen's red coat in her right hand, and Jin's blue kimono in her left. She kept a close eye on them as the music grew louder.

"Now, remember, _no wacky hijinks_" she warned them.

"What are you, my mom?" demanded Mugen.

Suddenly the forest opened up and they were facing a huge town, packed full of celebrating people. People were hanging out of every window, laughing and waving bright cloths. The streets were packed with children running around, vendors shouting out, and jugglers. A giant gold and red dragon snaked past them as they approached the street.

"Whoa," breathed Mugen excitedly. He strained against Fuu, who held onto his sleeve.

"We're not going anywhere or buying anything until we eat first," she snapped.

"But—but Fuu! They're got glowsticks!" whined Mugen.

"There's no glowsticks in feudal—"

"Hey, Jin," snapped Mugen. "If you care so much about everything being perfect, why don't you get rid of those stupid Armani glasses?"

Jin looked like he'd been slapped. "First of all, these are _Calvin Klein_…"

"Oh, both of you, stop bickering," grumbled Fuu. "Come on, let's get moving. We can ask that clown where—"

Mugen let out a piercing scream of terror and wrenched away so quickly that Fuu hardly saw him leave. She was left holding his coat; Mugen himself had dived into some bushes on the side of the road.

"What's with him?" she asked.

"He's just weird," said Jin.

"You're probably right," she agreed. "Excuse me!"

The clown she'd gestured to earlier strode over. He was a skinny man, with his face painted white, and his eyes rimmed with blue to match his hair. "Yes?" he asked with an over-done bow.

"We're looking for a place to buy…" She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "…passports. I mean, legitimate ones." Although Fuu was sure she could get in trouble asking such a question, she wasn't too scared to ask a clown. After all, if he narked, it would be her and Jin's words against his. And no one was going to believe the clown.

"I'm afraid I don't know," said the clown apologetically.

"Well, do you know who we can ask to buy passports?"

"I don't know that either."

"How about where we can get through the checkpoint without passports?"

"Nope!" said the clown jovially.

"Don't you know anything at all?" asked Fuu.

"Sure. I know how to do this," said the clown. He pulled a balloon from the back pocket of his wide pants, blew it up, and twisted it. Fuu and Jin cringed at the squeaking noise it made.

"Ta-da," said the clown, holding out a non-distinct balloon animal out.

"Yay!" cried Jin, taking it. "It's a dog!"

Fuu sighed with disgust.

"You know," added Jin gravely. "I always wanted to be a clown. But they said I wasn't funny enough, so instead I became a samurai."

"I see," said the clown. "Surely you can't be that bad. Let's hear you tell a joke."

"Oh, no…" moaned Fuu, who had had some experience with Jin's jokes.

"Why do dogs run around in circles?" asked Jin eagerly.

"Why?" asked the clown.

"Well, if they're watch dogs, they're winding themselves up…"

Fuu groaned. The clown just stared. "That was… awful. You, sir," he said finally, "insult my dignity. Good day!" With an annoyed squeak of his nose, he turned around and walked off, his big shoes flopping.

Jin looked crestfallen. "Don't you get it? Watch? Winding?"

Fuu patted his arm. "You're a good samurai, Jin."

"But it's a joke. _Watch_ dogs…"

"Come on, help me find Mugen."

Mugen was by the side of the road, face-down in some bushes with only his feet sticking out.

"Mugen, what are you doing?" demanded Fuu.

There was a pause, some rustling, and then Mugen's muffled voice: "Umm… nothing. Just… you know…chilling."

Fuu grabbed one of Mugen's feet and Jin grabbed the other, and they pulled him out of the thick underbrush. He dug his nails into the ground like a cat, but in the end, Jin and Fuu managed to tug him out.

"Uh, guys, listen…" began Mugen, glancing around nervously. He had scratches all over his arms and face from the bush. "I've been thinking. This whole festival things sounds like trouble… and… uh, let's just avoid it. Because, you know, I can't control myself. Yeah… let's just go around the entire town, okay?"

Fuu and Jin exchanged glances.

"Mugen, you wanted to go to the little carnival thing just a few minutes ago," said Jin.

"Remember? Glowsticks?" added Fuu.

"And balloon dogs!" added Jin, holding up his balloon.

"Please," said Mugen. Fuu was shocked. Mugen had never said "please" before. And the way he was sitting on the ground, looking up at them with such pleading eyes…

"Okay. _What_ has gotten into you?" demanded Fuu, putting her hands on her hips while Jin played with the balloon dog behind her.

"Nothing!" cried Mugen. "I'm just… just looking out for your best interests, Fuu! I wanna find this Sunflower Samurai as much as you! And I'm telling you… that fair is trouble!" He stood up and brushed himself off. He grabbed his red coat from Fuu's arm and, slinging it on, said curtly, "Come on, let's go! If we start now we can reach the other end of the town by dawn tomorrow! And then it's off to Nagasaki!"

Fuu grabbed the collar of his coat, right before he began walking off into the woods. "No, Mugen! We're going _through_ the town. It's faster, and besides, we need money and food. Now tell me what your problem is!"

"I don't have a problem!" cried Mugen, trying to bat Fuu off of him. She let go. Jin suddenly gestured to her.

The two walked a few feet away from Mugen and put their heads together conspiratorially. (Jin was sure to include the balloon animal, too.) Mugen remained on the edge of the forest, frantically shifting from one foot to the other. He gulped. Whatever Jin and Fuu were up to, it was nothing good.

Finally they broke their huddle. Jin handed the balloon dog to Fuu, walked up to Mugen until their faces were nearly touching, and said, "Mugen. This is your last chance to tell us why you're suddenly so eager to avoid the town."

"I _told_ you… there's no reason!" said Mugen.

"You leave me no choice." Jin lunged. The two fell rolling on the ground, and Jin finally pinned him down, tickling his ribs with his free hand. Mugen laughed like a hyena.

"No!" he gasped, tears of laughter rolling down his face. "Ha ha! Stop! Please! Ha, ha! Jin, stop! Hee hee hee hee…"

"Tell us!" demanded Fuu.

"No!" gasped Mugen. He laughed even harder, snorting a few times.

"Fuu, I don't think he can breathe…" said Jin uncertainly.

"Don't stop until he tells us."

"Hahahaha okay!" cried Mugen. "Okay, I'll tell! Hee, hee! Please! Stop! Hee hee hee!"

"Tell us."

"Okay!" gasped Mugen. "Please! Ha ha ha! It's because… tee, hee… because… hee, hee… I'm afraid of clowns!"


	2. Jin of all Trades

CHAPTER TWO

Jin was so shocked he stopped tickling Mugen. Mugen was too tired from laughing to even hit him. He lay on the ground panting.

"You're… you're afraid of _clowns_?" repeated Fuu.

"I'm… I'm terrified," said Mugen, still panting. "I know it's stupid, okay? Just shut up."

Fuu and Jin exchanged a look. Neither one was laughing.

"How can you be afraid of clowns?" asked Fuu finally. "You're not scared of anything, Mugen."

Mugen looked momentarily flattered. He slid out from under Jin and sat up, looking depressed. "Geez, I don't know. I know they're just people wearing weird clothes. And I always tell myself I won't freak out. But as soon as I see one…" He shrugged.

Jin scratched his head. "I _love_ clowns…"

It was Mugen's turn to look surprised. "How can _you_ love clowns? You have no sense of humor."

As usual, Jin looked affronted. "I can juggle."

"Well, whoopee for you," snapped Mugen sarcastically.

Fuu shook her head. "Aw, Mugen, clowns can't be that bad."

Mugen cast a nervous look around him. "No, they are. Seriously. I'm terrified. I'm begging you, okay? Let's avoid this place. I can't deal with this."

"You can't be afraid of clowns forever."

"Just watch me!" Mugen began strutting away. Jin and Fuu grabbed his arms.

"Now, look!" cried Fuu. "We've got to go through here, so you're going to have to learn to face your fear! Today's as good a day as any! And we'll be with you every step of the way." She patted Mugen's chest comfortingly.

Mugen didn't look very comforted. "You can't just shove a clown in my face, okay? It's not like that." His voice was higher than usual. "I can't deal with them. Please—"

"There are plenty of ways to rid you of your fears without shoving a clown in your face," said Jin gently. "Therapy, for example."

"Where are we going to find a therapist?" began Fuu. "We haven't got any money—"

Jin was already pulling a notebook and pencil from his kimono. "I also wanted to be a therapist," he explained. "But that didn't work out either." He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, no! I'm not telling you _anything_!" cried Mugen.

"Hos…tile…" murmured Jin, already taking notes. "Para…noid…"

"_Paranoia_? I'm not paranoid! Why are you writing that I'm paranoid? Jin? _Jin_? What're you writing now? Is it bad?" cried Mugen anxiously.

"…clearly suffers severe anxiety…"

"Jin! Stop!" wailed Mugen.

Fuu yanked the pencil out of Jin's hand. Jin looked up at her; she crossed her arms and glared at him. "No offense, Jin, but… I'm not sure it's safe for you to treat Mugen."

"But I have credentials."

"You're a samurai, Jin. Not a therapist."

"And it's kinda hard to take you seriously when you're petting a balloon animal," added Mugen.

Jin hastily shoved the balloon behind his back. "Until we cure Mugen of his phobia (that's a medical term, by the way), we can't hope to pass through this town and continue to Nagasaki," he said gravely.

Fuu sighed. "I don't want to go through another… fiasco," she warned. Her fears were justified; the last time Jin had tried to "cure" Mugen, he had gotten Fuu kidnapped, had made Mugen put a live toad in his mouth, and had been attacked by a pregnant lemur.

"We won't," said Jin very soothingly. "You'll see. I'll talk with him an hour and he'll be cured."

"And if I'm not?" demanded Mugen.

"Then we can try something else. Don't worry!" he added hastily when he saw Fuu and Mugen start to open their mouths. "All my techniques are completely medically backed."

Fuu sighed. "Well, I guess we don't have a choice." She handed Jin his pencil back. He stuck the point in his mouth and then settled crossed-legged on the ground. Fuu quickly sat next to him.

"Mugen, please lie down," he said.

"This is dumb," grumbled Mugen, lying on his back and lacing his fingers over his chest. He crossed his feet and began tapping one of them in the air.

"So… tell me about your childhood."

"Hmm," muttered Mugen. "Well, I was born in Ryuukuu and grew up in the streets. I went from town to town, begging for money and teaching what I knew. One day I came to this place and convinced all the kids to kill their parents and begin a cult with me to worship He Who Walks in the Rows. Then we started making the blood sacrifices…"

Jin stared at him with wide eyes, squeezing his balloon animal, his notes abandoned. Fuu hugged her knees, looking unimpressed.

"That's not your childhood, Mugen. That's Stephen King's 'Children of the Corn.'"

Mugen smirked. Jin looked disgusted.

"Therapy doesn't work unless you take it seriously!" he snapped.

"I _told _you, I can't take it seriously as long as you have that _dumb balloon animal_."

"His name's Gordon and he's not dumb! He's a dog!" snapped Jin. He pressed his pencil onto the notebook so hard the point broke. He sighed and took out his wakizashi to begin sharpening it again, scrutinizing it over the top of his glasses. "So, Mugen…" he began in a calmer voice. "Let's skip your childhood and get right to your phobia. What don't you like about clowns?"

"I dunno," mumbled Mugen. "Everything. They're so… weird. They don't look right, you know? The colors are weird… the sizes are weird…"

"What is scarier, their clothes or their faces?"

"I dunno…"

"Well, think about it," said Jin soothingly, holding up his pencil and turning it to study the point. He blew off the shavings and resheathed his sword. "Picture a clown with a completely white face, except for dark eyeliner and a big red nose and more red around his lips, and a huge smile that shows all his teeth, and a bald head with tufts of rainbow hair, and a frilly polka-dot shirt…"

"Um, Jin?" asked Fuu.

"And big shoes and maybe a flower that squirts water or something…"

"Jin? You lost him around the red lips part," said Fuu, gesturing. Mugen had gone completely white.

"Oops."

"What kind of crappy medical school did you go to, anyways?" she demanded.

"_Medical_ school?" repeated Jin incredulously. "I never went to _medical_ school. I went to clown college and took a semester of psychology. They said it would help me understand humor better, only it didn't."

Fuu shook her head before shaking Mugen. He started.

"W…what?" he asked.

"Nothing. Never mind," said Fuu gently. She glared at Jin, who shrugged hopelessly.

"Maybe we should do some free association."

"What's that?" asked Fuu suspiciously.

"I'll say a word and Mugen just says whatever comes to mind first," said Jin. He added, "That's safe."

"Okay…" said Fuu slowly. "But I don't see how that'll help."

"Oh… it will," said Jin mysteriously. He tapped his pencil on his paper and said, "Okay, Mugen. _Nature._"

"Nature?" repeated Mugen.

"Patience."

"_Patience?_"

Jin sighed. "You're supposed to say a different word."

"Think up some better words."

"Water."

"Gold."

Jin cocked an eyebrow but didn't say anything except for the next word. "Discipline."

"Boring."

"Domination."

"Are you coming onto me?"

"No, it's just a word."

Mugen scooted slightly away from Jin. Jin looked disgusted. "Just associate already!"

"No, this is stupid! You might as well be showing me stupid ink blot pictures."

"We can do that!" began Jin eagerly.

"NO!" yelled Mugen and Fuu.

Jin sighed. He rose and began pacing. "Let's talk about your mother."

"Didn't know her," sad Mugen dismissively.

"You never knew your mother," repeated Jin sadly, shaking his head. "How does that make you feel?"

Mugen thought for a moment. "Hungry."

"Hungry? Hungry for her love and acceptance?"

"Uh, no. Hungry for some dumplings or something."

"Do you think maybe you use food as a substitute for human companionship?"

Mugen scratched his head. "This conversation is pissing me off."

"Uh-huh. And how does that make you _feel_?"

"I just _told_ you," growled Mugen with barely contained anger. "It's _pissing me off_!"

"Let's change subjects," suggested Fuu.

"Why don't we talk about the first time you saw a clown? Maybe there's something there," said Jin.

"Sure. That's easy." Mugen stretched luxuriously. "I guess I was seven or eight, and I was pickpocketing people as they walked into this whorehouse—"

Fuu snorted.

"Well, c'mon!" cried Mugen, sitting up. "If they're going into a whorehouse, they definitely have money to spare, right? …right?"

"Continue," commanded Jin.

"So things were pretty dead and I was bored, and I saw this guy walking past. So I start tailing him, and right as I put my hand in his pants—"

Jin and Fuu both snorted.

"What?"

"Nothing," said Jin, face twitching as he tried not to smile.

"—he turned around and his face…" Mugen trailed off, looking uncomfortable. He picked at a loose thread dangling from the sleeve of his red coat.

"Ah-ha!" exclaimed Jin triumphantly. "Clearly, you're scared of clowns because they represent your inner guilt at being a petty criminal. You'll stop being scared when you stop ripping people off and being such a horrible person. Case solved!"

Mugen looked infuriated. "I'm not guilty of anything!" he snapped. "That's stupid! _You're _stupid! This whole thing is stupid!"

"_You're _the one who's scared of clowns," sneered Jin.

Mugen jumped to his feet and yanked out his sword. "If you say one more word I'll pop your damn balloon animal!"

"You wouldn't dare touch Gordon," hissed Jin.

"Uhh, guys?" Fuu jumped between them. Both were tensed, crouched, and ready for battle. "Guys, is it really worth killing each other over a balloon? Come on… we've got to cure Mugen so we can get through this town. And Jin, I don't think this therapy stuff is working."

"He's not cooperating," complained Jin.

"Did you expect him to?"

Jin's shoulders sagged. "I suppose not." He sheathed his sword and pondered for a moment. Mugen watched him defiantly, as if challenging him to think up a better approach.

"Okay," he said finally. "Assuming Mugen's fears have a deep, subconscious meaning, the only way to tackle them is using a deep, subconscious approach."

"Such as…?" asked Fuu cynically.

"_Hypnotherapy_!" said Jin, yanking a gold pocket watch from his kimono.

"Oh, _no_…" groaned Fuu.

"Oh, _no_!" cried Mugen. "Don't tell me you used to be a hypnotist too."

"Don't be ridiculous, Mugen," said Jin with a roll of his eyes. "I was never anything more than a clown-therapist-carpenter-plumber-midwife-farmer-silk winder-truck driver-librarian-X-ray technician-samurai."

"Truck driver?" repeated Fuu. "But Jin, this is feudal Japan. There aren't any—"

"Silence! I need absolute silence in order to hypnotize Mugen!" snapped Jin, glowering at Fuu.

"Well, okay. I don't believe in this stuff anyway," muttered Mugen, settling onto the ground and grasping his knees.

"This ought to be good…" muttered Fuu, watching as Jin took a moment to consult with Gordon.

* * *

(Author's Note: Yeah, it's a very short chapter, possibly the shortest I've ever written. I might add more later but oh well... I'd rather work on the next chapter, bwa-ha-ha-ha. If anyone has suggestions about what would be the funniest and most horrible thing to do to Mugen next, I'll gladly take them; I'm already garnering some wicked possibilities.) 


	3. Mugen Gets Sleeeeeepy

(Author's Note: I'm sorry my updates are taking so long! My life's very hectic right now. I'm sure you don't care but just to blow off steam, my current problems include: college, major debt, wrecked truck, gay relationships (are you really surprised, after "Grains of Sand?") and various life-threatening diseases (cancer for my ada, viral meningitis for a very close friend, and congestive heart failure for my gerbil!). Huzzah, life is fun. Also I still might change some of the things in this chapter… we'll see how Mugen-the-Geisha does in later chapters. If I can think of something funnier I'll do that. Don't be surprised if my updates are really spaced out. It's hard to be funny all the time.

To animelover: I wish that I had that kind of motivation in my everyday life! Please come to my house. "STUDY CALCULUS!" "SEW THE RIP IN YOUR TUNIC!" "STOP GOOFING OFF AND RETURN YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS!" Heh-heh, you're awesome.)

* * *

CHAPTER THREE

"You are getting sleeeepy… so sleeeepy…"

"I think that this is stuuuuupid. So stuuuuupid," sneered Mugen.

Fuu turned away so Jin wouldn't see her laughing.

He'd been on his hands and knees for at least five minutes, his face inches from Mugen's, waving a watch in front of him. Mugen was looking slightly uncomfortable and also extremely bored. The corner of his mouth kept twitching, like a dog that was being threatened. But Jin refused to back off and kept insisting that hypnosis "really worked."

"You have to _follow_ the watch with your eyes!"

"I'm following it!" whined Mugen.

"Good. _Sleeeeepy_…"

"Boooring…"

"Sleeeeepy…" whispered Jin.

Fuu yawned. Mugen yawned.

"You can baaaaarely keep your eyes open…"

"You got that right," mumbled Mugen, reaching up to rub his face.

"How much longer before you give this up, Jin?" asked Fuu.

"You are drifting into a deep, deep sleep…"

"No I'm not. I'm being bored to death," muttered Mugen. "This is the stupidest—"

"You will fall asleep _now_."

Mugen's head dropped. Fuu blinked. "Mugen?" she said in surprise.

"Ugh," grunted Mugen.

"Ha!" barked Jin, sitting back on his heels. "I told you it worked!"

Fuu walked over and gave Mugen a cynical nudge with her foot. "He's probably just humoring you so he can laugh in your face later," she replied.

"He's really asleep," said Jin. "Watch. Hey, Mugen, there's a dozen really hot women here who want to touch you."

Mugen didn't move.

"Mugen? They're giving out baskets of free gold," ventured Fuu. He still didn't move. "Mugen, look, that guy over there is offering a year's supply of sake! Mugen, there's a magistrate here who says they want to make you emperor of Japan! Mugen! Mugen! Jin says he's going to throw down his swords and blindfold himself and let you take a few swings at him!"

Mugen didn't even twitch.

"Wow," said Fuu. "I guess it really does work."

"Told you," said Jin smugly. He rubbed his hands together. "Now, we can delve into Mugen's subconscious…"

"Hey, Mugen," interrupted Fuu. "Do you really think I'm unattractive?"

"I've seen bags of grain with more shape than you," mumbled Mugen.

Fuu's face fell. "Darn."

"Fuu!" cried Jin. "We're not supposed to be asking Mugen personal questions. We're supposed to cure him of his fear of clowns. It would be a very serious breach of Mugen's trust to—Mugen, am I really the most skilled swordsman you've ever fought?"

"Yeah," mumbled Mugen. "You're incredible."

Jin smirked.

"What's your favorite color?" asked Fuu

"Red."

"Hey, Mugen, what's your greatest wish in the world?" asked Fuu eagerly.

"I always wanted a pony…"

Jin and Fuu both burst into peals of laughter.

"…a little speckled gray pony…" continued Mugen. "…that likes to eat sugar right from my hand…"

Jin laughed himself onto the ground, and Fuu giggled until she began snorting and had to turn away before she could further embarrass herself.

"Mugen," gasped Jin. "Tell us the most embarrassing story from your childhood."

"One time when I was fourteen I dressed up as a chick for an older guy for a week for some money."

"Have you ever been in love?" asked Fuu.

"Yeah."

"Ever kissed a guy?" asked Jin.

"Yeah."

"What's your favorite color?" asked Fuu.

"Red."

"What's the most horrible, despicable thing you've ever done?"

"Murdered a sick orphaned child with a frozen halibut and then stole charity money from his blind, crippled sister."

"What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten?"

"Jin's herbal tea."

"_Hey_!" cried Jin. "At least I never murdered a sick child with a fish!"

"This is _great_. We can ask him anything at all and he'll tell us," said Fuu eagerly.

"When was the last time you cried?" asked Jin.

"Two days ago. Fuu called me annoying and it really hurt my feelings."

Fuu and Jin stared at each other incredulously.

"But Mugen, you act so tough," said Fuu.

"It's all an act. I'm actually a really sensitive misunderstood person who longs for true friendship."

"Whoa. You were right, Jin, this hypnosis thing _is_ dangerous."

"When was the last time you wished on a star?" asked Jin.

"Three weeks ago, I saw a shooting one."

"Did you wish for a pony?" asked Fuu.

"No, I wished that me and Fuu and Jin would stay best friends forever."

Jin and Fuu stared at each other again.

"Is he serious?" wondered Jin.

"This is getting too creepy. Let's just cure him of his clown thing and wake him up."

"Erm…"

"You _do_ know how to cure him, right?" demanded Fuu.

Jin coughed. He pushed his glasses up and mumbled, "Actually I never got this far…"

"_What_!"

"But I'm sure I can figure it out," said Jin hastily. "I'll just, um, run a few practice rounds first."

"Practice rounds?" repeated Fuu.

"Like this." Jin cleared his throat. "Mugen?"

"Yes?"

"Whenever you hear the word 'Gordon,' you'll think I'm Fuu and Fuu is me."

Fuu raised an eyebrow.

"Watch," instructed Jin. He cleared his throat again. "_Gordon_."

Mugen didn't move.

"How do we know if it worked?" asked Fuu.

"Mugen, who am I?"

"Fuu," mumbled Mugen.

"Ta-da!" cried Jin. "I am the hypnosis _master_!"

"Let me try!" cried Fuu. "Mugen, whenever you hear the world 'Momo,' you will think you're a dog."

"Momo," said Jin.

"_Ruff_," said Mugen.

Fuu and Jin both grinned at each other.

"Whenever you hear the word 'Takeda,' you will fall at my feet and grovel."

"And whenever you hear the word 'sunflower' you'll start singing."

"And if anyone says 'sake' you'll think you're a geisha."

"And the word 'quest' will make you say all your sentences backwards."

"Wait," said Jin suddenly. "Why did we hypnotize him again?"

"Oh… yeah," said Fuu. "The clown thing."

"And you won't be scared of clowns anymore," said Jin. "Got all that?"

"Yes," mumbled Mugen.

"Anything else?" asked Jin.

"What's your favorite color?" asked Fuu.

"For the third time, red."

"Yeah… I'm done."

"Mugen, you can wake up," said Jin.

Mugen started. "—load of crap," said Mugen. "It's a bunch of bull. Only total losers like you would believe in it." He glanced from Fuu to Jin. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Erm… don't you remember?"

"Remember what? What are you talking about? What's the matter with you two? That's it, this is stupid." Mugen climbed to his feet and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "No offense, Jin, but you're the worst hypnotist I ever—"

"Takeda," said Jin.

Mugen dropped to the ground and grabbed Jin's ankle. "—the noblest, most honorable, best man alive," he said, kissing Jin's foot.

"I thought so," said Jin with a smirk.

"Ooo! Ooo! Sunflower!" exclaimed Fuu.

"Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!" belted out Mugen.

"Sake!"

Mugen picked himself up and put his arm seductively around Jin. "Hey there, hot stuff." He licked his lips.

"Momo!"

Mugen dropped to his hands and knees again, tongue lolling.

Jin and Fuu leaned against each other and laughed until they cried.

"This is great," sighed Fuu, wiping a tear from her eye.

"Wonderful," agreed Jin, sniffling. "But we've still got to get through this town. So let's get to it. Momo again, Mugen."

"Huh?" Mugen blinked. "What the… why am I on the ground?"

"You tripped," said Fuu.

Mugen picked himself up, looking confused. "Why are you guys smiling?"

"No reason," said Jin. "Let's go."

"What? But we can't go!" cried Mugen. "The clowns, remember!"

"I think you'll find they no longer hold any power over you," said Jin gravely.

"What? What are you talking about? You _know_ I'm scared of them! I don't want to go!" protested Mugen.

"Don't worry, Mugen," Fuu reassured him. "Everything's going to be okay now."

Mugen looked doubtful. "But—"

"Trust us," said Jin, already beginning to walk toward the colorful, noisy bustle of the town's festival.

"Yeah, trust us," agreed Fuu, grabbing Mugen's sleeve and pulling him along.

"How do you expect me to trust you with that _stupid_ balloon animal?"

"His name's _Gordon_," snapped Jin.

"Let _go_ of me," cried Mugen, wrenching his arm away from Fuu. He pointed to Jin. "I'm not going through that town, and that's final! The only reason I agreed to help you find your stupid samurai was because of that coin toss! There's nothing in our contract about having to face clowns!"

"What that…? Mugen, I'm over here!" said Fuu, giving his arm a tug.

Mugen yanked away again. "If you touch me one more time, I'll chop your head off, you dirty ronin bastard!" he sneered.

Fuu's eyes widened. "Oh! We said Gordon," she realized.

"Besides, we don't have any passports, so we couldn't pass the checkpoint anyway," he continued.

"Um… Mugen?"

"What?"

"Who am I?"

Mugen gave her a funny look. "You're _Fuu_, O Chubby Annoying One."

Fuu sighed. "Okay, let's go."

"I _told_ you, I'm not going!"

Jin made a clucking noise.

"Oh, you _didn't_!" Mugen's eyes narrowed.

Jin shrugged. "Fine. You can meet me and Fuu on the other side." He paused and added, "…coward."

"Coward!" shrieked Mugen. "I'll show you coward! Come on! Let's go!" He grabbed Fuu's sleeve and yanked her after Jin.

Fuu and Jin exchanged a smirk as they walked into the town. Everywhere, people were running around laughing and talking, occasionally ducking under a person on silts or changing their course to avoid bumping into a huge dragon.

Mugen glanced around nervously. "Right," he said. "Let's just hurry up and get out of here… you know, before I can cause a bunch of trouble like usual." He pushed Fuu along. She glared at him but obediently began walking down the road, weaving through the crowds and ignoring people who called out the prices of their wares to her.

"Now…" mused Fuu. "Let's see… we can probably sneak past the checkpoint in all this hubbub… but I'd still feel a lot better if we could get some passports."

"Surely there's a place we can buy some around here somewhere," said Jin, observing the crowds. "They're selling everything else, and only half of it's legal…"

Mugen stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Can we please hurry?" he begged, shifting his weight nervously.

"Aw, stop worrying," said Jin. "I guarantee you're not scared of clowns anymore."

"What're you talking about? Jin? Fuu, what's he talking about?"

She shrugged and smiled.

"I'll show you," said Jin, tugging Mugen's arm.

"Hey! I thought I told you not to touch me!" Mugen yanked away, but Jin was already leading him towards a man with a red nose, a pointed blue hat, and a small red umbrella.

Mugen took one look at him, went completely white, squeaked once, and dived under the nearest thing he could dive under, which unfortunately happened to be a woman's kimono. She gave Mugen a kick that sent him rolling; he scrambled away and disappeared.

"Jin! Jin, we lost Mugen!" cried Fuu. Jin ignored her; he was watching intently as the clown made him another balloon animal.

"Yay! It's a rabbit!" he cried.

"_Jin_! Mugen's still afraid of clowns, and he's disappeared!" cried Fuu, tugging on Jin's sleeve, while he introduced Gordon to the rabbit, whom he'd dubbed Quentin.

"Afraid of clowns?" repeated the clown. He raised his eyebrows, although it was hard to tell, since his real eyebrows were painted white and his drawn-on eyebrows were already permanently raised. "But we're just people in make-up and funny clothes."

"He knows. He's just scared," said Fuu.

"You know, _I _always wanted to be a clown," said Jin.

"Really!" exclaimed the clown, putting his hands on his hips. "What stopped you?"

"No one thought I was funny."

"Because you're not. Please, Jin, come _on_!" interrupted Fuu.

"I'm sure you're plenty funny," said the clown. "You can't let other people's opinions get in the way of your goals. Come on, let's hear a joke."

"Noooo!" cried Fuu.

"What kind of math do birds do?

"What?"

"Owlgebra…"

* * *

"I've never seen a clown cry before," said Fuu, peeking into a barrel.

"Am I really that bad?" asked Jin miserably.

"Yes. Yes, you are. Mugen?"

"Fuu? Is that you?" A familiar, shaggy head of hair poked out from under a pile of blankets in a stall that sold cloth. "Is he gone?"

"Yeah. He's gone," said Fuu. "I'm really sorry, Mugen. We thought it worked."

"Thought what worked?"

"Never mind." She turned around to face Jin. "Jin? Any bright new ideas?"

"Hmm," said Jin, playing with his balloon animals. "Well, we could try conditioning him."

"Conditioning?" repeated Fuu curiously.

"Oh, you know. Expose him to clowns a little at a time until he's not scared anymore."

"But that'll take forever!" cried Fuu.

"It's our only hope."

"At this rate, we'll _never_ find the Sunflower Samurai!" complained Fuu.

"I'm not a girl… not yet a woman…" sang Mugen's morose, muffled voice from beneath his blankets.


	4. Once More, the Psychological Approach

CHAPTER FOUR

"The first people to define and explore conditioning," lectured Jin in a low voice, which Fuu and Mugen fell asleep, "were Ivan Pavlov and B.F. Skinner."

"They're not born yet," said Fuu dully, playing with a twig she'd found on the ground. They had retreated from the town yet again, and were sitting on the edge of the forest. They could still hear the laughter and the music of the fair, and still smell frying food, but they might as well have been a world apart. "And how does any of this help Mugen?"

"It's background information," said Jin, adjusting his glasses. He was sitting on a log stump with his legs crossed, balancing a clipboard and a folder on them. Beside him on smaller tree stumps sat Gordon and Quentin, who Jin had given glasses and clipboards as well.

"Just cure me already!" demanded Mugen. He was lying on his back on the ground, watching Jin upside-down. He opened his arms wide in a gesture of innocence. Jin looked peeved.

"Background information is part of the technique. Any questions before we begin?"

"What's B.F. stand for?"

"Burrhus Frederic."

"Now we _know_ he's making stuff up…" grumbled Mugen.

"Takeda!" snapped Jin, losing patience. Mugen immediately went glossy-eyed and began simpering at Jin's feet.

"Takeda," repeated Fuu, grabbing Mugen by his coat and pulling him back up.

"Why's my mouth taste like socks?"

"Because… it just does," said Fuu. She seized Mugen's shoulders and shoved him down onto a tree stump.

Ensured that he had Mugen's full attention, Jin held up his clipboard. "Real clowns are still too scary for you to face. So I'm going to hold up pictures of clowns instead. When you start feeling nervous I'll just put them down again, okay?"

"And… how's that gonna help me?" asked Mugen, scratching his elbow absent-mindedly.

"You'll soon learn that clowns aren't going to hurt you," said Jin. "You'll be _conditioned_ to accepting their presence without being intimidated by it."

"Okay!" said Mugen. He rubbed his hands together. "Show me your worst."

"My worst?" repeated Jin.

"No! No, I take it back!" said Mugen quickly. Jin smirked before he held up a picture.

"I want you to say what you're feeling."

"Freaked out," said Mugen, shying away from the picture. "Stupid."

"Stupid? How's that different from how you normally feel?" asked Fuu acidicly. Mugen reached out and batted her on the head.

"Okay… I'm really freaked out now… please put the picture away," asked Mugen.

"But that's not even a picture of a clown. That's a picture of a cup of steaming liquid."

"It reminds me of Jin's herbal tea."

"Takeda," said Jin. Mugen dropped to the ground and began praising Jin lovingly. Jin sighed and put away the picture.

"I must have misplaced those clown pictures I had…" he muttered, fingering through the sheaf of papers in his folder. "Let's see…"

"Remind me again why you carry around pictures of clowns," asked Fuu.

"Must you challenge everything I do?"

"Yes! Because so far, you haven't helped Mugen at all, just like you didn't help him at all when he had hiccups."

"What are you talking about? My herbal tea cured him."

"Um, no, it didn't. _I _cured him," said Fuu.

"No, it was definitely the tea. It just took a few moments to kick in," said Jin wisely. "I forgot to mention that it doesn't take affect right away."

Fuu rolled her eyes while Mugen continued to babble on the ground about not being worthy to be in Jin's awesome and mighty presence.

"Why don't we ask Mugen?" suggested Jin.

Fuu rolled her eyes again.

"Mugen, tell me, what's your honest opinion about my herbal tea?"

"It's the most incredible, delicious, and undeniably healthy tea in the entire universe, Jin-sama," said Mugen.

Jin smirked. "And my sense of humor?"

"Indescribably brilliant."

"See?" gloated Jin.

"Just hurry up and find some clown pictures."

"I can't. We'll just have to dress you up as a clown—"

"Excuse me! Why don't _you_ dress up like a clown, since you think you're so effing funny?"

"I _am_ funny!" insisted Jin. "Listen to this one—"

Fuu clamped her hands over her ears.

"Why did the reporter go to the ice cream shop?"

"Why?" asked Mugen, gazing at Jin with glassy-eyed adoration.

"To get the _scoop_."

Mugen looked puzzled but laughed hysterically anyway.

Fuu decided enough was enough and said, "Takeda."

Mugen stopped laughing and looked around, at a loss to explain what was happening. "Why am I on the ground?"

"You tripped again," said Fuu.

"You have very bad coordination today," added Jin. He cleared his throat. "Well, I can't seem to find any of my pictures—"

"Praise Allah," mumbled Mugen.

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing."

"Okay…" said Jin slowly. "Well, since I can't find them we're going to have Fuu dress up as a clown—"

"I didn't agree to dress up as a clown!" protested Fuu.

"Listen, it's _your_ quest to find the Sunflower Samurai—"

"River a me cry!" sang Mugen, loudly and off-key. "Cry to turn your it's now, burned were bridges! Guy other some with confused me have must you refuse I girl!"

"Quest," said Fuu.

"Sunflower," said Jin.

"Isn't there a way to turn that off?" demanded Fuu.

"No, unless we hypnotize him again."

"What?" asked Mugen. "Turn what off? What'd you mean, hypnotize me again? It didn't work the first time, why would we—guys? Guys? Turn _what_ off?"

They ignored him. "I'm not dressing up like a clown."

"Then we can't condition him," said Jin smugly.

"I don't understand why you can't dress up as a clown. You _wanted_ to be a clown."

"Turn what off?" asked Mugen.

"Yes, and dressing up like a clown would be very distressing for me!" explained Jin. "I'm not going to relieve my broken dreams!"

"But you're already pale and wearing big pants!"

"Turn what off?" asked Mugen.

"But I'm not funny."

"It doesn't matter if you're funny! All that matters is curing Mugen, not making him laugh!"

"Turn what off?" asked Mugen.

"I have an idea," said Jin. "We'll blindfold Mugen—"

"What? No one's blindfolding me!" cried Mugen.

"We could just lead him as a dog through the town…" pondered Fuu.

"That wouldn't be conspicuous at all," said Jin sarcastically.

"As a dog! What are you taking about?" wailed Mugen.

"You're so stupid!" snapped Fuu. She lost her temper, picked up Gordon's clipboard, and chucked it at Jin's head. Thanks to his excellent samurai reflexes, he ducked out of the way easily. The folder hit a tree behind him and papers flew everywhere. Several pictures of clowns floated down on top of Mugen; he screamed and went sprinting away.

"Oh, _there's _my pictures," said Jin. "I must have given them to Gordon."

Fuu groaned. "We'll never find him now." She sighed and stood up. "Come on, let's go."

"One sec," said Jin, scooping up all his papers and shoving them back into place. He took Gordon and Quentin's papers as well, gathered up his balloon animals, and then followed Fuu down the road. "He's probably cowering under something again."

"MOOOOOO-GEN!" shouted Fuu, cupping her hands over her mouth.

"MOOOOOO-GEN!" repeated Jin.

"MOOOOOO-GEN!" they called together.

Their only answer came from a curious cow, which was being lead into market by a peasant.

"I don't see him," said Fuu, putting one hand on her hips and observing the busy street, her other hand shielding her eyes from the sun.

"Me neither," said Jin. Fuu turned around; Jin was wearing a red nose. She yanked it off (it squeaked).

"Why are you so _mean_?"

"Oh—come on!" protested Jin. "He knows I'm only joking. Give me back my nose!"

"No, I'm keeping it until Mugen is cured."

"Give me back my nose!"

"No! I'm keeping your nose, and that's final!"

Jin pouted. He crossed his arms and leaned against a nearby cart. From beneath it, a hand with a tattooed wrist band reached out and gave his hakama a tug.

He looked down. "I found him!" he announced.

Fuu dropped to her knees and peeked at Mugen. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," replied Mugen.

"Are you okay?"

"Yep."

"Do you want to come out?"

"Um, no. That's okay," said Mugen quickly.

"We'll just have to continue conditioning him right here," said Jin. He made Gordon nod in agreement.

"No, Jin. Conditioning isn't working," snapped Fuu.

"Let's take a vote," said Jin. "All in favor of trying something new?"

Fuu raised her hand. From under the cart, Mugen put his hand out. Even the vender standing at his cart raised a hand.

"All in favor of listening to Jin?" asked Jin. He raised his hand, as well as Quentin's and Gordon's.

Fuu sighed in disgust and peered under the cart. "Come on, Mugen. We'll think of something," she said gently.

Timidly, Mugen slid out from under the cart. He got to his feet and brushed dust off of his red coat, then glanced behind him at the cart. His face lit up.

"Look!" he gasped. "They're selling megaphones!"

"Like he needs to be any louder…" said Jin and Fuu together.

Mugen had already grabbed one. Curiously, he held it in front of his mouth. "HOW MUCH DO THESE COST?" he asked into it.

The merchant clamped his hands over his ears. "I'm right here, you know!" he snapped.

"IT'S MORE FUN THIS WAY," said Mugen.

Jin reached out and grabbed the megaphone away. "ATTENTION! ATTENTION!" he shouted. "THERE ARE NO MEGAPHONES IN FEUDAL JAPAN!"

Several people close by winced and covered their ears.

"I'm so sorry…" Fuu told the merchant. "We've had a really, really rough day and I think they're kind of restless."

"HEY JIN! WANT TO HAVE A SHOUTING MATCH?" asked Mugen into a megaphone.

"SURE, MUGEN," shouted Jin.

"Just take them and go!" complained the vender, cringing as Mugen's megaphone shrieked with feedback.

"We can't go anywhere until Mugen stops being afraid of clowns," said Fuu.

"Is that why he was hiding under my cart? Because of clowns?" asked the merchant.

"Yeah," said Fuu. "Nothing can cure him."

"Well, I wouldn't say that," said the megaphone seller slyly. He reached behind a stack of megaphones and pulled out a flyer. He handed it to Fuu. "It's a support group!" he explained. "It can cure any problem but it specializes in phobias! It's guaranteed—the woman who runs it is a professional. She cured me of my fear of loud noises, and now I sell megaphones for a living!"

"THAT'S A VERY TOUCHING STORY," yelled Jin, who'd been listening in for a while.

"YEAH, IT SOUNDS GREAT!" screamed Mugen. "LET'S TRY THE SUPPORT GROUP. THEY'VE GOT TO BE BETTER THAN JIN'S STUPID CONDITIONING PLAN!"

"BE QUIET, MUGEN!"

"NO, YOU BE QUIET!"

"I _AM_ BEING QUIET!"

Fuu yanked the megaphones from their hands and handed them back to the megaphone seller. She thanked him and grabbed the neck of their clothes, dragging them away to the support group.


	5. Cho's Support Group

CHAPTER FIVE

"Hello, and welcome to Cho's Support Group! As you might have guessed, my name's _Cho_!" Cho smiled brilliantly. "My specialty is, of course, phobias. This support group is going to talk about everything you ever wanted to know about phobias but were afraid to ask." She waited for laughter.

"She's about as funny as you, Jin," whispered Mugen, nudging Jin.

"Okay!" said Cho, clapping her hands together brightly. "Well, I hope everyone here is ready to share all their feelings and heal their souls! And afterwards, we'll have cookies and punch!"

"Yay, cookies!" exclaimed Fuu.

"She's hot," whispered Mugen, nudging Jin.

"Shut up and listen."

"You're gay, aren't you?"

"Shut up and listen," repeated Jin.

Cho's Support Group was held in the basement of a temple, which Jin had said was odd, because most temples don't have basements. And, for that matter, most temples don't have support groups, or fluorescent lights, or metal folding chairs, or cookies and punch. Then Fuu had punched him in the head and he'd decided to be quiet. ("The only reason I didn't retaliate," he'd added, "was because I'm trying to set a good example." He'd pointed to Gordon and Quentin. Fuu had rolled her eyes.)

"You're all here because you have a problem," said Cho. Cho was a perky young woman with long eyelashes, light, streaked hair, and a kimono that couldn't quite hide her extremely big breasts. Mugen was paying very good attention. "The first step to healing is to admit you have a problem," continued Cho. "So before we do anything, we'll go around the room and introduce ourselves, and say what our problem is, okay?"

"Can you do Mugen first?" asked Fuu, raising her hand and pointing to Mugen. "We're in a big hurry."

Cho just laughed. "Why don't we start with you?" she asked, pointing to Jin. Jin pointed to himself in surprise. Cho nodded. Jin looked around and realized he'd accidentally sat down in the circle, next to Mugen.

"Oh… I'm sorry. I don't have a problem," said Jin, rising. Mugen and the man on his right grabbed his sleeves and pulled him back down. Cho tutted.

"Now, we all have problems here. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"No, really," insisted Jin. "I sat here by mistake."

"Come on. Go ahead and tell us," said Cho soothingly, walking up to Jin. Since he was sitting and she was standing, he was about level in her chest. His eyes widened a little, glanced at it, and he said, "My name's Jin—"

"Hi, Jin," said everyone.

"And… I… um… I have a problem with… uh…"

"Jin's in denial because he's gay," said Mugen loudly.

"_What_? No I'm not!"

"See?" said Mugen triumphantly. "If he weren't in denial about being gay, he wouldn't have said that."

"Okay! Fine! I'm gay!" snapped Jin.

"Hurrah, a breakthrough!" said Cho. "Doesn't it feel better to just be yourself? Isn't Jin brave, everybody? Let's give him a hand!" Everyone clapped.

"Wait! Wait! I'm not really—" protested Jin.

"How about you next?" asked Cho, pointing to the man next to Jin.

"My name's Hideaki…"

"Hi, Hideaki," said everyone.

"…and I have a deep psychological fear of balloon animals."

"Really?" asked Jin. His brow furrowed. "Then why are you sitting next to me? I have two under my seat."

Hideaki went pale, glanced down, screamed, and went running out of the room. Another person screamed and covered his head with their hands. A third person screamed and dived under her chair.

Cho tsked. "It's okay. Hideaki will be back," she said confidentially. "Are you scared of balloon animals too?" she asked the person who'd covered his head.

"No. My name's Goro—"

"Hi, Goro," said everyone.

"… and I'm scared of loud noises."

"Okay. Then we'll try to be quiet." Cho pretended to zip up her lips. Fuu rolled her eyes. Mugen nudged Jin.

"Can you believe how hot she is?" he whispered.

"Why did you tell her I'm gay?" whispered Jin back.

"I'm just killing the competition…"

Cho had turned the person who'd dived under her chair. "How about you?"

"My name's Ume," she said.

"Hi, Ume," said everyone.

"And I have a fear of fear itself."

"Interesting," said Cho, nodding. "Let's see, who haven't we asked yet… how about you?"

"My name's Mugen," said Mugen.

"Hi, Mugen," said everyone.

"I've got a fear of… um… well, actually, let me talk about my past first. I'm an ex-pirate…"

Someone else screamed. Ume screamed. Goro screamed. Ume and Goro screamed.

"Quiet! Quiet, quiet, quiet!" said Cho quickly, putting a comforting hand on Goro's shoulder. "It's okay! What's wrong?" She pointed to the first person who screamed.

"My name's Shun—"

"Hi, Shun," said everyone.

"And I'm scared of… that word."

"What word? Quiet?" asked Cho, confused.

"No, the other word. The P-word."

"Past?"

"No, the other one."

"Pirate?"

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"So you're scared of pirates?"

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"Wait, wait!" interrupted Cho. "I don't understand. Are you scared of… them?"

"No, just the word," said Shun.

"Oh… okay… well, anyways, getting back to Mugen."

"I'm scared of clowns," said Mugen, who'd lost his taste for stalling after triggering a bout of screaming.

"You won't have to worry about them here!" said Cho. "Everyone remember, this is a safe place! We're all safe here!" She smiled brilliantly. Fuu crammed a cookie into her mouth with a groan.

"I guess that just leaves you," said Cho. She pointed to the last member of the group, a very very old woman.

"I'm Nanami."

"Hi, Nanami," said everyone.

"And I'm an alcoholic."

"Ahh. That's a very serious problem," said Cho, nodding.

"I can't help it," explained Nanami. "I just drink too much sake. It's hurting my friendships and it's costing me a lot of money. I don't want to drink anymore."

"Very good!" said Cho. She clapped her hands together again. "Well, now we all know each other! We have four phobias, a homosexual, and a hopeless drunk! And now we can start healing all of you pathetic losers!"

"Yay!" cried Fuu. (She had found the cookies and her mouth was stuffed so full that her cheeks were bulging.)

"I'm having second thoughts," whispered Jin, leaning close to Mugen.

"You should _never_ have second thoughts… about _anything_," whispered Mugen back, in a disturbing voice. Jin pulled back, confused. Mugen winked at him.

"So!" said Cho. "First we're all going to watch a short instructional video about how this group works, and learn some basic rules about respecting each other. I don't want to have to go through last year's Pudding Cup Incident again."

Mugen slid his hand over Jin's thigh. Jin squeaked and half-rose from his seat.

"Cho!" complained Nanami, raising her hand. "The ex-pirate is flirting with the queer!"

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"What the—okay, this isn't working. Jin, why don't you switch places with Shun?"

"With pleasure," said Jin, jerking away from Mugen. He gave Fuu a questioning look. Fuu shrugged.

Shun sat next to Mugen. Mugen smiled at him seductively and ran his finger down Shun's arm. Shun moved his chair over, looking very uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Cho had dragged a television into the room. Jin raised his hand. "There's no televisions in feudal Japan."

"He's right, you know," said Nanami.

Cho turned around and put her hands on her hips. "Now, do you want me to help you or not?"

"Yes," they all chimed together. Apparently too loudly, because Goro screamed. Then Ume screamed. Goro screamed again.

"Oh!" said Fuu, who suddenly realized what was wrong with Mugen. He was murmuring to Shun and twirling a lock of his long hair. Shun looked very uncomfortable indeed. "Sake!" she called. Mugen started like he'd just woken up from a trance… which he had.

"Sake?" repeated Nanami, turning in her seat. "Where?"

"There's no sake," said Fuu.

"Then why did you say sake?"

"Stop saying sake!" yelled Nanami.

Goro screamed. Ume screamed.

"EVERYONE BE QUIET AND WATCH THE VIDEO!" shouted Cho. Goro screamed very quietly. So did Ume.

Cho walked over to the light switch. "Can I turn off the lights?"

"Yes," chimed everyone, quietly.

"Okay." Cho turned off the lights and pressed the "Play" button on the remote. For a moment there was only the blue screen of the television, then…

A horrible white clown with red tufts of hair and pointed teeth appeared, laughing evilly.

Mugen screamed. Goro screamed. Ume screamed loudest. Goro screamed some more.

"Oops! Sorry!" said Cho, stopping the movie. "That was the movie _It_. My mistake!"

"Way to go," said Nanami sarcastically. She extended her leg and poked Mugen a few times; he was quivering on the ground helplessly. "You scared… I forget his name… the ex-pirate."

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"Don't say pirate!" Cho reminded her.

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"But you just said pirate," said Jin. Shun, Goro, and Ume screamed.

"I didn't mean to say pirate," said Cho. Shun, Goro, and Ume screamed again. "For Pete's sake!" exclaimed Cho.

"Hey, sweetheart," said Mugen, licking his lips and staring pointedly at Shun.

"She said sake, not sake," interrupted Fuu.

"Sake? Where?" asked Nanami, turning in her seat.

Fuu and Cho buried their faces in their hands. "This is the worst group I've ever had!" cried Cho. "I'm afraid we'll never get anything done."

"_Afraid_!" cried Ume. She screamed. Goro screamed.

"This isn't working." Fuu grabbed the back of Mugen's coat and pulled him up. "Come on… we'll have to think of something else." With a sigh, Jin rose as well, gathering Gordon and Quentin in his arms.

"Wait!" cried Cho. "You can't leave now—you've still got a very serious phobia!"

"I'm not sure this is what's right for us," said Fuu. Cho looked so depressed that Fuu searched for something nice to say. "The cookies were good," she said. "And at least you had one breakthrough." She nodded to Jin.

"But I'm not—" protested Jin.

"Hey, that's right! I did cure one person!" said Cho brightly. "That reminds me." She rooted around in her kimono for a pen, found it, grabbed Jin's hand, and began writing on it. "This is my cousin's phone number," she said. She winked. "Call him."

"_What_?" yelled Jin. Goro screamed. Ume screamed.


	6. Mujuushin: Clown Reject School

Author's Note: I hope everyone had a Merry Chrismakwaanzakah! I certainly did. My friends are so great... among other things, I got a new pair of hakama, ribbon for my typewriter, several pounds of Arametto coffee beans, and a $50 gift card from Petco. (That'll last me at least three days.) Less spectacularly, I got a pamphlet from one of my ex-girlfriends, entitled "Overcoming Homosexuality," and a Christmas card from my mentor, on which he'd drawn a chess set, labeled the pieces, indicated his move, and written "Checkmate," bringing to a close our two-week match. If you got a particularly awesome and/or weird gift, tell me about it in review form!

Speaking of reviews, to RubyTuesday13: I'd love to hear your theory on the use of geeky balloon animal names during the Edo period. You must send it to me ASAP, because I lie awake at night wondering what it is and how hard I'll laugh when I hear it.

To Lou: Hey, thanks for your condolences, but my dying pet wasn't a hamster! Actually, I'm not sure what she was. We said "gerbil" but that thing wasn't no gerbil... she was some sort of fat, greasy swamp rat thing of uncertain origin. (I miss her.)

To Lidless Eye: Just for you, I put in a clown car. Erm, clown palanquin thing. Whatever.

Also, I must give credit where credit is due. Thanks to Clay, owner of "The Japanese Site," from which I "borrowed" the phrase about metamorphasizing into a migratory bird and migrating. Thanks, as usual, to Paula O'Keefe's Amalgam website, which has a great section on "The Sword of No Abiding Mind." Apologies to whoever wrote the song "Memories," to whoever wrote the (real) Hippocratic Oath, to Jeffrey Hudson, to Mitsubishi, to Monty Python, and to Dai Saito. Apologies in advance to the Sprint phone company, which I make fun of in the next chapter, and from whose website I ripped quotes directly off of. Apologies to Winston Churchhill, for ending the last sentence with a preposition and for (probably) spelling his name wrong. Apologies to my reader base for this long, long, long author's note. Phew. I hope that covers it...

* * *

CHAPTER SIX

"At this rate, by the time we finish my quest, I'll be a wrinkled old hag," wailed Fuu. They'd returned to the edge of the town once more, and were sitting on the ground trying to think of new ideas.

"Opinion my want you if, improvement an be would that," said Mugen.

"Huh?"

"Improvement an would be that, _said_ I!" said Mugen.

"You're babbling like an idiot, Mugen."

"Yeah, oh? Idiot an like _look _you, well."

Fuu raised an eyebrow. Jin scratched his head. "Mugen… um… we can't understand you."

"Me understand can't?" cried Mugen. "Something or stupid you are? Joke lame of kind some this is?"

Jin coughed. Fuu looked away and hummed.

"Guys?" cried Mugen.

"Mugen, say your name," commanded Jin.

"Mugen," said Mugen.

"Say 'My name is Mugen.'"

"Mugen is name my."

"Ohh," realized Jin and Fuu. "Quest," said Fuu. She growled with frustration and threw up her hands. "This is _crazy_."

"I have an idea!" said Jin suddenly. "What about…" He paused dramatically. "…electroshock therapy?"

"No," said Fuu and Mugen in unison.

"Come on, Jin… there's no electricity here in feudal Japan," Fuu reminded him.

"The temple seemed to have some. After all, there was a television, and light bulbs…"

"Ah, Jin, can't you see that the light bulbs are only a filament of your imagination?" asked Mugen. Fuu laughed.

"Why is it funny when _he_ says it?" whined Jin.

"Because you're just not funny," said Mugen. "Anyways…"

"Forget the temple," said Fuu quickly. "That support group was bogus, anyway." She sighed and tapped her fingers on the ground. "Hmm. How to cure Mugen…"

"Sake," said Jin. Mugen immediately began batting his eyelashes at Jin.

"How will that help?" asked Fuu.

"It won't," said Jin. "I just felt like a massage." He gave Mugen his foot.

"Oh… yeah." Fuu sighed, while Mugen massaged Jin's foot for him. "I think maybe the only way to cure Mugen is to do what we did last time we had to cure him."

Jin frowned. There was a pause while he tried to figure out what Fuu was talking about.

"Who's Mugen?" asked Mugen, who was still kneeling on the ground and kneading the sole of Jin's foot.

"He's a lowly deadbeat friend of ours," replied Jin. "Keep massaging." He turned to Fuu. "I don't understand what you're talking about."

"Well," said Fuu brightly. "If we can get Mugen to face his fear, then he won't be scared anymore, right? But he's not going to agree to face his fear… _unless_ he really has to. So what if we staged a kidnapping and—"

"You propose getting yourself kidnapped by clowns," interrupted Jin, giving Fuu the kind of condescending look that told her how stupid she sounded.

"I don't see _you_ coming up with any bright ideas." Fuu crossed her arms. "All we need to do is show Mugen that there's things more important than avoiding clowns for the rest of his life. Besides, last time I was kidnapped, it cured him."

Mugen, on the ground, giggled slightly. "A guy who's afraid of clowns… what a loser."

"Did we ask your opinion, Geisha?" demanded Jin.

"No, Jin-sama. I'm sorry," said Mugen, giving Jin's calf an apologetic squeeze.

"So, where do you propose getting clowns who won't mind kidnapping you and then being killed by Mugen?" asked Jin.

"You could dress up like one," said Fuu.

"Or…" said Jin. _"You _could dress up like one and I could dress up as you."

"You cross-dress an awful lot, Jin."

"Why don't we just focus on Mugen's problem?" said Jin.

Fuu sighed. "I'm worried that this is our last hope, Jin," she confessed. "Staging some sort of fight might actually work. It's just so _stupid_."

"So is Mugen, Fuu," said Jin gently, patting her shoulder. "So is Mugen."

"And there's no way we'll find a bunch of clowns willing to fight with Mugen."

"That's where you're wrong!" exclaimed Jin. "I happen to have many friends from the dojo who, like me, were training to become clowns before they realized they weren't funny and would make better samurai. In fact, 'Mujuushin-kenjutsu dojo' translates into 'School for Clown Rejects who Wish to Become Samurai.'"

"I thought it meant 'Sword of No Abiding Mind,'" said Fuu.

"Shut up. No it doesn't," said Jin. "You don't even speak Japanese."

"None of us does," said Fuu.

"Oh, yeah?" said Jin. "Then what do you say to this?_ Boku wa watari dori ni henshin shite ijuu shimashita_. "

"You turned into a migratory bird and migrated?" asked Mugen, who was so confused that he stopped massaging Jin's foot for a moment.

"Silence, Geisha!"

"I say that you should stop clowning around and contact your unfunny clown friends so we can cure Mugen and get to Nagasaki to find my Sunflower Samurai," snapped Fuu.

"Memmmmmories!" wailed Mugen. "All alone in the moooonlight!"

"Sunflower," said Jin and Fuu in unison.

"Well?" demanded Fuu. "What are you waiting for? Go call them!"

"How? There's no telephones—"

"Jin, would you please just shut up about that?" asked Fuu in exasperation. "I'm trying to advance the plot here."

"But… but it's peak hours," protested Jin. "And I could be roaming." He paused, and added, "It's sort of a pun. Roaming? Ronin?"

"Yes, yes, you used the same bad joke in an earlier story," snapped Fuu. "Now shut up and call them!"

"Okay, okay." Jin dialed while Mugen massaged his foot. "Hello, Mujuushin? It's me, Jin. No, not that Jin. No… no, the other Jin. The one that killed Mariya Enshirou." He paused. "What do you mean, you don't remember me! I _killed_ our master!" He paused again. "Who the heck am I talking to? Can you transfer me to someone who knows who I am?" He waited for a moment. "I'm on hold," he mouthed to Fuu and Mugen. From the phone, they could hear music playing, punctuated with an occasional, "Your call is important to us!"

Fuu sighed and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Oh, hi, Matsu!" said Jin enthusiastically. "It's me, Jin! …no, the other Jin. The one that killed Mariya Enshirou." He paused. "Um, no, I was never on a rugby team. That was the other Jin."

Fuu pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Yeah, well anyways, I need to ask a favor. I'm trying to rid someone of a deep psychological fear of clowns and I need you to round up the gang. We're going to stage a kidnapping." He paused. "Yes, I know it's a dumb plan. _I _didn't think of it. …funny you should ask! We _did_ try hypnosis and right now he thinks he's a geisha."

"What a freak!" exclaimed Mugen. "He makes us real geisha look bad."

"So do you think you can come?" Fuu leaned forward expectantly. "Okay, great!" Jin flashed her a thumbs-up. She sighed with relief. "Okay… okay, bye, Matsu. Yep. I'll see you later." He hung up and put his cell phone back into his kimono. "They'll be here in a few minutes," he said.

"Perfect," said Fuu. "Um… what do we do with you-know-who?"

"Momo," said Jin. Mugen dropped onto all fours and began sniffing the ground. "We'll just tie him up until everything is ready."

"I feel like there's something very wrong about that."

"I don't see how," replied Jin, waving a rawhide bone temptingly in front of Mugen.

"Well… doesn't the Hippocratic Oath say something like 'I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure, and I will not hypnotize a patient to think he's a dog and then tie him up while I wait for my samurai clown-reject friends to arrive so we can stage a kidnapping and rid the said patient of a phobia?'" asked Fuu.

"It _does _say that," admitted Jin. "But I never took the oath, because I'm not a real doctor."

"Oh… yeah." Fuu sat down next to Mugen and waited for Jin's friends to arrive.

* * *

Fuu had been staring at the road for several hours, and was aware that the sun was beginning to set. She had been hoping to pass through the city that day, but it looked like that wasn't going to happen. Absent-mindedly, she scratched Mugen behind the ears and asked, "Jin, are they coming yet?"

"For the twenty-eighth time," said Jin, with barely controlled patience, "_no_."

Fuu sighed. Jin turned back to his joke book, quietly reading to Gordon and Quentin.

She squinted at the road. There wasn't much to see. After all, everyone was in the brightly-lit town, celebrating. Hardly anyone was wandering around the roads, certainly not as the sun set. A peasant and several goats passed by; a woman balancing a basket on her head; several children hurrying in front of their parents; a palanquin carried by four burly and not-too-bright-looking men.

"Ah," said Jin suddenly. "That's them."

"Where? Where?" asked Fuu eagerly.

He gestured to the palanquin. Fuu blinked. "That? But there's hardly enough room for one person in there."

"Fuu, Fuu, Fuu," sighed Jin, rising. Fuu scurried after him, confused.

He walked out to the road. The four men bearing the palanquin knelt with a groan. Jin opened the door and bowed.

"Allow me to introduce…" he began. "Ogura Bunta… Hojo Yukimaru… Niwa Juunosuke…"

Fuu blinked in amazement as people began squeezing their way out of the tiny palanquin.

"Takase Toshi… Takase Tamasine… Mitsubishi Jin… Dai Saito… and Jeffrey Hudson."

Fuu gaped for a moment, then said, "Wait, wait, wait!" She pointed to Jeffrey. "You're the jester of Queen Henrietta of England. Why are you in Japan?"

He shrugged.

"And you! Dai Saito! You're not a clown, you're a writer for the show!"

He shrugged.

"Mitsubishi Jin!" She pointed to the other Jin, who apparently had just come from a rugby match, since he was wearing a red-and-gold uniform instead of a kimono. "There's no rugby in Japan, and even if there was, there wouldn't be a team in a samurai dojo! And I'm not even sure it's been invented yet!"

He shrugged.

"Toshi and Tamasine! You're from a different story!"

"It's called product placement," said Toshi, rolling his eyes.

"You wouldn't think the author would stoop so low as to advertise one story in another story," added Tamasine, slinging an arm over her shoulders, "but that just goes to show you, doesn't it?"

"And you three! Bunta… Yukimaru… Juunosuke! All of you are _dead_!" snapped Fuu.

"We got better," said all three in a Monty Python voice.

Fuu wailed with frustration and buried her face in her hands. "It's hopeless! Completely hopeless! We'll never cure Mugen, ever!"

"There, there, Fuu," said Toshi. He put an arm around her. "Would a pie make you feel better?"

"Pie?" ventured Fuu. She made the mistake of looking up. Almost immediately, someone shoved a pie in her face.

"Oh, very funny!" she growled sarcastically, trying to wipe the cream off her face as all seven samurai, (plus the writer and the jester) laughed at her. "You guys aren't half as funny as you think you are! I'm not surprised at all that you got fired from being clowns!"

"It's true," said Juunosuke soberly. "We did get fired. But then we sued…"

"For funfair dismissal," chimed in Yukimaru and Bunta together.

Fuu groaned.

"Of course, the thing about the unemployed jester is, he's nobody's fool," added Mitsubishi Jin.

They all laughed at themselves while Fuu massaged her temples. "Can we stop fooling around and get to work?" she pleaded.

"Oh, sure. Sure." Everyone nodded.

"That's Mugen." Fuu pointed. Mugen was sitting on the ground, gnawing on the back of his hand. When he saw them all looking at him, he grinned and panted.

"Totally unaware of himself and tied to a tree?" asked Bunta. He rubbed his head. "Are you sure this isn't going to turn into yaoi?"

"Pretty sure. But just in case, if you guys see oil appear, you might want to run away," said Fuu.

"Gotcha."

"So!" said Fuu. "The plan is, you'll kidnap me, and the Mugen will come rescue me, just like he did when he had hiccups, and that way, he'll be cured of his fear of clowns!"

"So, he'll be trying to kill us?" asked Dai Saito.

"Yes."

"Then I'm leaving. Come on, Jeffrey."

"Wimp!" called Yuki.

"Shut up, I created you."

"Guys, guys, please, stop fighting!" begged Fuu. "One of the reasons we chose you is because you should be able to defend yourselves with your samurai moves."

"And it doesn't really matter if you die," added Jin. "You're all supposed to be dead anyway."

"Well, that's gonna lower my morale…" grumbled the other Jin.

"Is everyone clear on the plan?" asked Fuu anxiously. "I don't want anyone to really kill Mugen. Just pretend that you want me for some sinister purpose and he'll burst in and save me."

"What sinister purpose?" asked Tamasine, raising a hand.

"I don't know. It doesn't matter, he's not going to ask you."

"What if he does?"

"Then make something up."

"Oo! Oo! How about this? We're all members of a secret society and we have paranoid delusions that Fuu is some sort of prophet who's going to help us realize our goal of global domination!" said Juunosuke eagerly.

"How about, you just think I'm pretty?" said Fuu.

The samurai stared at her for a moment, then all began laughing and slapping their knees.

"Ha ha! What a comedian!" they howled.

"I'm serious!" screamed Fuu, stomping her foot.

All the samurai stopped laughing and exchanged glances. "Fuu," said Jin gently. "It has to be a believable, _realistic_—"

Fuu stomped on his foot. "Oh, just shut up and let's get started!" she said angrily, crossing her arms. "The sooner we deal with Mugen's clown phobia, the better."


	7. The Clown Infestation

(Thank you to everyone for being patient for Chapter Seven. BTW, the antelope joke is Shenji's. I laughed until I cried.)

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Lately, I've been worried Jin isn't respecting us," said Yukimaru. He was, of course, dressed as a clown, in large pinstripe pants and a frilly yellow shirt.

"What are you talking about?" asked Jin, who had a large rainbow afro but hadn't yet changed out of his rugby uniform. "Of course I respect you!"

"Not you! The other Jin. The one who's made us all dress up as clowns, and who's sending some lunatic guy from Ryuukuu here to try to kill us."

"Sheesh, lighten up," said Fuu, who was tied up in a chair in the middle of the room. "If it cures Mugen of his phobia, it'll all be worth it."

"I don't think it'll work."

"Of course it will!" insisted Fuu. Still seated, she hopped across the room to join the group. "Mugen really cares about me. As soon as Jin—the other Jin—tells him I've been kidnapped, he'll forget all about how scared he is and rush to rescue me!" She paused. "Um, by the way… you weren't really supposed to tie me up."

"That's okay," said Bunta absent-mindedly.

"At least we can practice our jokes while we wait!" said Juunosuke brightly.

"To every cloud, a silver lining," said Toshi with an agreeable nod.

"Oh, I've got one!" cried Bunta. "What do you call a deer that can bring down a deer from either flank?"

"What?" asked Fuu cautiously.

"Bambidextrous!"

Fuu groaned. Tamasine pushed Bunta out of the way. "Wait, wait, I've got a better one! I had a dream that I was in Panama during a snowstorm! I was dreaming of a white isthmus!"

Fuu groaned louder. "Torture wasn't part of the deal!" she exclaimed, inching her chair away from the group of excited clowns-cum-samurai.

"Wait, wait! Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!"

"HELP!" screamed Fuu. "HELP! HELP!"

* * *

"Mugen! Mugen, wake up!"

Mugen opened one eye sleepily. "What now?"

"Fuu's been kidnapped!" said Jin anxiously.

Mugen stretched, sat up, and looked around blearily. It was night, and he'd been sitting under an evergreen. He stood up and rubbed his legs—he had pins and needles. Literally. "So what?" he asked.

"We've got to go rescue her!" announced Jin.

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"I mean, _why_?" repeated Mugen, cracking his neck and stretching some more.

"Because—Mugen, we've got a debt to her!" Jin drew himself up wisely and adjusted his glasses. "She saved our lives! The least we can do is help her find her Sun—I mean, help her on her que—I mean, act as her bodyguards."

Mugen just stared at Jin through bored, half-raised eyelids. "Sorry, man. You've got the head of a balloon rabbit sticking out of your kimono. I'm having trouble listening."

Jin shoved Quentin's head out of sight. "Come on!" he commanded. "We've got to go rescue Fuu."

"Naw," said Mugen, leaning against a tree and putting his hands behind his head.

"Mugen, you have to!" said Jin, clearly getting panicked.

"I already rescued her a bunch of times," said Mugen lazily, reaching up and playing with a leaf that was dangling over his head. "My debt's paid off. If she's gone, then all I gotta say is… good riddance."

Jin blinked in surprise. This wasn't exactly part of the plan. Mugen was usually gung-ho about any sort of suicidal mission, because it was an excuse to whip out his sword and start cutting people down.

"But, Mugen…" Jin gestured frantically. Mugen watched him, still bored.

"You go on ahead," said Mugen, sticking a straw in his mouth. "I'll just hang out here, okay?"

"What if they overpower me?" asked Jin anxiously. "I might need you!"

Finally, Mugen looked interested. "_You _need _me_?" he said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "So you're admitting I'm superior to you?"

Jin gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. "No," he growled defiantly, glaring at Mugen over the top of his glasses. He changed tactics. "I bet the reason you don't want to come rescue Fuu is because you're scared! You're a coward!"

"You already used that tactic to lure me into town once, man. It's not gonna work a second time," said Mugen. He yawned. The straw fell out of his mouth. He began searching the ground for a new one.

"_Please_, Mugen," said Jin.

"Get on your knees."

"What?"

"Get on your knees and beg me, and then maybe I'll come. If I feel like it."

Jin scratched his head and cast an anxious look around. He wasn't looking for observers; he didn't care if some person he didn't even know saw him begging Mugen. Actually, he was looking for oil. (Even though Fuu said it wasn't going to turn into yaoi, he couldn't help feeling something was very, very wrong.)

Finally, he knelt on one knee. "Mugen, please accompany me to rescue Fuu," he muttered grudgingly.

"Both knees, head bowed," said Mugen, crossing his feet and tapping one foot contentedly. "And be a little more respectful."

Jin put his other knee down and bowed his head. "Mugen-kan—"

"More respectful."

"Mugen-san—"

"More."

"Mugen-sama—"

"More."

"Mugen-dono—"

"More."

"Damn it, Mugen, I can't go any higher, and even if I could, we're wasting valuable time!" snapped Jin.

"Okay, okay, I'll come," said Mugen with a sigh. "But first I need to borrow your phone."

"Why?"

Mugen stuck out a hand. Jin pulled out both balloon animals from his kimono, his clipboard, three pairs of spare glasses, and a bottle of ketchup before he found his phone. He handed it to Mugen.

"I want to get a video of you begging me," explained Mugen. "And thanks to Sprint's incredible video-phone technology, now I can! As you can see, this is the model A500, which has the same simple user interface that was introduced in earlier models, but has improved design, shape, and user experience, plus incredible quality, longer battery life, and an LCD display that—"

"Are you being paid by Sprint or something?" interrupted Jin crossly.

"It's called product placement," called Toshi's disembodied voice from the trees.

"The disembodied voice is right," agreed Mugen. "Now go ahead and beg me."

Mumbling, Jin said very quickly, "Mugen-dono, please help me, lowly Jin, to rescue Fuu."

"Excellent. Thank you, lowly Jin," said Mugen, tucking the phone into his pocket. He pushed himself away from the trees, heaved Jin to his feet, and began sauntering toward the town. "Let's go quickly so we don't see… any… you know."

"Clowns? Oh, don't worry," said Jin with a smirk. "I'm sure we won't."

* * *

"Where are they?" cried Fuu anxiously. "I can't stand much more of this!"

"I'm sorry, Fuu," said Juunosake. "It's completely pun-intentional."

"A day without wordplay is like a day without punshine," said Bunta.

"Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted," said Yukimaru.

"Good puns are their own reword," added Tamasine.

"ARRGG! You're not even a clown! You're like a mime! And mimes aren't supposed to talk!"

Everyone looked to Tamasine to see how he would refute this claim. The truth was, he really was more of a mime than a clown. Unlike everyone else, he was wearing all black, and his face was painted white with black diamonds around his eyes.

"You _will_ think I'm funny," he said, waving a hand mysteriously over Fuu's face.

"What the heck are you trying to do?"

"Jedi Mime Trick," he said.

"ARRGG!"

"No, seriously, I wanted to be a mime," said Tamasine. "But I talked myself out of it."

"ARRGG! Where are Jin and Mugen!

"I'm right here," said Jin.

"Don't worry, Fuu," said Yukimaru, patting her shoulder as she struggled against her bonds. "I'm sure they're okay. Unless they've eaten butter recently."

"Huh? Why? What's wrong with butter?" asked Fuu in confusion.

"Haven't you heard?" asked Yukimaru anxiously. "Scientists have found traces of a fatal new virus contained in soft butter. And they say it spreads very easily."

"ARRGG! That butter joke was terrible!"

"I thought it was funny," said Jin.

"I'll take that as a condiment," said Yukimaru with a bow.

"ARRGG! I hope you all die! Your jokes are terrible! It's no wonder you all became samurai."

"Well, unemployment wasn't working for us," said Yukimaru.

"Actually, I was a banker for a while," said Bunta. "But I lost interest."

"I don't know if the samurai thing is working either," admitted Tamasine. "I mean, we've all died. Besides that, there's so many different styles… Tae Kwan Do, Judo, Kenjutsu... it's very kungfusing."

"ARRGG!"

"But our clown days are over," said Juunosake sadly. "And now we're all disciples of kenjutsu and Buddhism. So I guess you could say…"

"That was ZEN and this is TAO!" chimed in everyone at once.

"ARRGG! That's the worse one yet!" cried Fuu. "And Taoism is Chinese, not Japanese!"

"Actually, Fuu, Zen came China as well, and in fact is derived from Buddhism, which began in India," said Tamasine wisely.

"The history is actually much more complicated than he's making it," said Toshi.

"Wow," said Fuu, blinking in surprise. "You got really serious all of a sudden."

"We can change the subject. Why don't you tell us that story about your haunted refrigerator, Bunta?"

"I would, but it's just too chilling to talk about."

"ARRGG! Will you at least plug my ears!"

"Hey, that reminds me of another mime joke," said Tamasine.

"It's probably just the same stupid joke you've been telling for years," muttered Toshi.

"As I've said before, I never repeat myself."

"ARRGG! Go back to being serious!"

"Okay, I'll compromise. How many antelope does it take to change a light bulb? None, they are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source."

"HEEEEELP!"

* * *

"Okay, Mugen!" said Jin wisely. "This is it!"

"Wait," said Mugen slowly. "How did you know this is where Fuu is being kept hostage?"

"Um…" Jin lowered his sword and took a moment to consult with Gordon and Quentin.

Mugen waited. They were standing in a very narrow and mostly-empty street, although the noise and light from the main streets spilled over into the otherwise depressing atmosphere of the side road. The buildings were pressed tightly together, and puddles of water and garbage had gathered in the pot-holed street. Jin and Mugen had been standing with their backs pressed against the wall, swords raised, one on either side of a dark and mysterious doorway.

"Never mind. Let's just go."

"How about you go, and I'll stay here and keep watch?" suggested Mugen.

"No, you have to come."

"Why?"

Jin lost patience, grabbed Mugen's arm, and shoved him inside the building. "You look upstairs, and I'll look downstairs," he said.

"Why can't I look downstairs?"

Jin's eyes narrowed. He tried to remember everything he'd ever learned about reverse psychology. "Okay. You look downstairs and I'll look upstairs."

"Okay!" said Mugen cheerfully. He began strutting down the dark, narrow hall. Jin grabbed him.

"I changed my mind! You look upstairs and I'll look upstairs. No, wait. I mean, I'll look upstairs… no… _you_ go upstairs!"

"And you go downstairs?"

"No, _I_ go downstairs and you go upstairs."

"That's what I said!"

Jin shook his head out. "You go upstairs and I'll follow, and Gordon and Quentin can search downstairs, okay?"

"What about Jin?"

"I'm right here."

"Huh?"

"Mugen, we're looking for Fuu."

"But you're right here!"

'Yes, and Fuu's missing!"

"Are you crazy?"

"No, _you're _crazy!" Jin grabbed Mugen's shoulders and shook him. "Will you please just _focus_?"

"Fine, O Chubby Annoying One."

"Oh!" realized Jin. "I'm sorry, I said Gordon." With that, he gave Mugen an encouraging push. "Now, go get 'em, tiger!"

With a raised eyebrow, Mugen stalked off into the darkness, sword at ready. Jin waited until he was a good distance away before pulling out his cell phone and dialing.

"Mission Hickory Dickory Doc is officially hunky-dory," he said in a low voice, glancing around shiftily.

"Hickory door _what_?" asked Yukimaru on the other line.

Jin sighed. "Mugen's here."

"Why can't you just say that in the first place?"

"Never mind! Just get ready, will you?"

"You betcha!"

"JIN!" shouted Mugen. "Stop talking to those stupid balloon animals and hurry up, will you?"

"Coming!" called Jin.

"Alright, you kidnapping mofos!" yelled Mugen. "No ones steals Fuu but me! Come out here so I can cut you a new one!"

"Uh, Mugen, you don't have to shout," whispered Jin, catching up to Mugen and peering over his shoulder.

"I wish I'd bought a megaphone back in chapter four."

Jin gave Mugen another encouraging push, just as Tamasine burst forth, sword raised. Dressed as he was in a black kimono, and black hakama, the only thing they saw at first was his silver sword blade and his white face—but apparently, that was enough.

"AAHHHH!" screamed Mugen. He leapt into Jin's arms and hid his face in Jin's kimono. There was a popping noise.

"NOOO!" cried Jin. "Quentin!" Angrily, he dropped Mugen. "Damn you, Mugen! That's not even a clown! It's a mime!"

"I am too a clown!" said Tamasine.

"You're a mime!"

"Clown!"

"Mime!"

"Clown!"

"Mime!"

Mugen dared peek through his fingers. He stood up and brushed himself off, looking anxiously at the quibbling samurai.

"Look, see, I'm stuck in an invisible box!" said Tamasine, demonstrating. "And now I'm walking down stairs! And now I'm playing tug of war with an invisible rope! Uh-oh, I'm stuck in a box again!"

"But you're still a clown."

"I'm a _mime_."

"DIE, MIME!" screamed Mugen suddenly. He leapt through Tamasine's invisible box and brought his sword down on his head. Tamasine crumpled where he stood. Mugen stood over him, panting. "I hate mimes," he hissed softly. "They're like… _CLOWNS_! AAHHHH!" He jumped, but Jin had already stepped away, worried that Mugen would pop Gordon. Toshi, whose face was already painted in a huge red frown to match the red flower stuck into the button-hole of his polka-dot shirt, cried out.

"You killed Toshi!"

"That was Tamasine."

"Well, you killed one of us, anyway!"

"DIE, CLOWN!" screamed Mugen.

"You tell them, Mugen!" encouraged Jin, leaning against the wall and opening a book while Mugen faced an onslaught of clowns. He gutted one and kicked another in the face, leaping onto his hands to ensure he cracked his jaw. He landed spryly back onto his feet and his sword flashed. For a split second, someone managed to disarm him, but even without his sword, he bested all of them. He cracked a bottle of seltzer over Yukimaru's head, grabbed the other Jin by his rainbow hair, and smashed him against Juunosake, cracking two skulls at once.

Jin whistled and turned the pages.

Mugen turned to him, splattering in blood, eyes wide.

"Look at that! It's like… like an _infestation_!" he gasped, making a sweeping motion with his sword at all the bodies lying on the ground.

"You got 'em, Mugen," said Jin encouragingly.

Mugen looked around, still wide-eyed. "I think I'm gonna piss myself."

"That's nice," said Jin. He slung an arm over Mugen. "Come on. Let's get Fuu."

"What if there's more?" squeaked Mugen.

"I think you got them all."

"I'm still alive!" called the other Jin, waving a hand in the air from beneath several of his fellows' bodies.

"AAHHHH! DIE, YOU RUGBY-PLAYING BASTARD CLOWN!" Mugen stomped on the other Jin's head with his metal-soled geta. He grabbed the first Jin. "Let's go!" He hauled Jin down the hall and up another flight of stairs. This hall was silent. Mugen squeezed Jin's arm.

"You go first!"

"You're a big baby."

"And you talk to balloon animals and think you can hypnotize people like a four-eyed dipwad," sneered Mugen, forgetting to be scared for a moment. "You son of a—"

"Takeda."

"—beautiful, wise, loving master!" finished Mugen, kissing Jin's sleeve obsessively.

"Takeda," repeated Jin. He pointed. "That's where Fuu is. Go rescue her."

Mugen looked acutely nervous. The shoji screen was open a crack, and dim light was falling into the hallway. He could hear quiet scuffles and see an occasional shadow.

He raised his sword, gulped audibly, and inched forward. "I… hate… clowns," he whispered. "I… hate… clowns… I… hate… clowns…"

He flung open the door.

"SURPRISE!" shouted Fuu, Cho, Nanami, Hideaki, Shun, Ume, Goro, and the megaphone seller.

"AAHHHH!" screamed Mugen, automatically slicing the throat of the nearest person, who was the megaphone seller.

Ume and Goro screamed.

Mugen dropped his sword and looked around wildly. "What the…"

"Congratulations on overcoming your fear, Mugen!" said Cho. She frowned at the dead megaphone seller. "I should probably mention we're having an anger management seminar next Wednesday."

Mugen looked around, confused. "I don't get it. I thought Fuu was being held prisoner."

"I thought you were tied up," added Jin, looking equally confused

"Nope! We set you up," said Fuu happily to Mugen. To Jin, she explained, "I was tied up. I yelled so loud that Cho and the others heard me and helped untie me. We decided to decorate the room and throw Mugen a party. You know, to congratulate him. And also to apologize for setting him up and makiing him look stupid."

"WHY I OUGHTA—" began Mugen.

"Mugen!" interrupted Jin loudly. "Don't you see? You're not scared of clowns anymore!"

"Yes I am! I'm _terrified_ of clowns. I'm _petrified_. I still _hate_ clowns!"

"But you overcame your fear!" said Cho. She sidled up to Mugen and put a comforting hand on his arm. He looked down at her very low-cut neckline. "Don't you see, Mugen? Overcoming fears has nothing to do with not being afraid. It just means that you don't let your fear get in the way of what's really important to you."

"And I learned a lesson too!" said Jin, not to be outdone. "I learned that… that… life is like…"

"A box of chocolates?" suggested Fuu cynically, crossed her arms.

"Yes! Precisely! Life is like a box of chocolates! It's… brown… and… small. And sometimes it's sweet, but not if it's one of those gross coconut-filled ones… I don't like those… but I do like the ones with nuts…"

Cho checked her watch.

"And sometimes there are those ones with orange stuff in the middle… those are gross too… so you sort of have to push on the bottom to find out the filling… and then if you put it back the filling sticks to those little paper things inside the box… and you know how people always take the chocolates and leave the little papery things… so it's an empty box with paper… but that's not like life… life has to have chocolates _in_ the box…"

"Thanks Jin," interrupted Cho, as Jin started to take a breath to say more. She turned to Mugen. "The important thing is that Mugen sees now that he can face his fear of clowns and not let his life be crippled by it."

"Yeah… yeah!" exclaimed Mugen. "I really showed those clowns and that mime who's boss!"

"And now we can all celebrate and have cake," said Fuu.

"No," said Jin.

"Huh?"

"Nada."

"What?"

"Negatory."

"_What _negatory, Jin?"

"We're out of cake."

"How can we be out of cake? We haven't even started the party!"

Jin shrugged. He was holding a paper plate in one hand, and Gordon in the other. Gordon had icing smeared all over his head.

Fuu crossed her arms. "You don't expect me to believe the balloon animal ate all the cake."

"BALLOON ANIMAL?" shrieked Hideaki. He went running out of the room. Ume and Goro screamed.

"He did," insisted Jin. He handed Gordon over to Fuu. Inside Gordon, Fuu could clearly see pieces of cake.

"How in the heck…?" puzzled Fuu, turning over the balloon animal.

"But it's okay," said Jin quickly, as Fuu pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration and Mugen tapped his foot impatiently. "We still have pie."

"Pie?" ventured Fuu, looking up.

Jin smashed a pie in her face.

THE END


End file.
